Our fatbiking group has an email list; we use it mostly to organize rides. Someone will send out an email to the effect: “I’m going for a ride tomorrow at such-and-such a time, who is in?” and people respond yea or nay. Those who respond nay typically feel a need to provide an excuse, and some of those excuses are pretty lame. I’ve been collecting those excuses and I present them here, as well as my (harsh) judgment as to whether they are acceptable or not. Note: these are actual excuses and have not been altered to protect the guilty. You know who you are.
Not acceptable. The only time it is acceptable is if everyone going on the ride was at the same party and they were too hungover as well.
I have chores to do
Pfft! Whaaat? Fuck off. Not acceptable.
I’m going to go for a shorter ride this afternoon
Pussy. Not acceptable.
I don’t have a balaclava
I’m not going to dignify this one with a remark. Unacceptable.
I have to pass
Almost acceptable. I like that this is vague – it allows the reader to conjure up all sorts of reasons for why this person can’t go for a ride. I’m going to allow this, but only this one time.
My bike is in pieces
Not acceptable. Good god – keep your bike in working order!
I’ve got a meeting
Acceptable because this person not only went to his meeting but he hustled and made the ride.
The ride is too long for my dog
Get a better dog. Only acceptable if your faithful trail dog is getting too old after many, many years of loyal service.
I can’t leave my dog home two days in a row
There’s therapy for that. Or meds. Not acceptable.
Something came up
Not acceptable. Though many may think this is akin to “I have to pass”, it is not. This is weak, not vague.
I’m curling all day
C’mon! Curling more important than biking??? Not acceptable.
I have to coach hockey
I have to go to my son’s/daughter’s game
Acceptable. Children are always more important than a ride.
I have to go to a wedding
Not acceptable. Unless it is your own wedding.
I have to spend time with my in-laws
Wrong! You do not have to spend time with your in-laws, you choose to spend time with them. Instead of biking? You make me sick. Not acceptable.
I forgot it was my daughter’s birthday
Acceptable. And kudos to this man for owning up to his ineptnous as a father.
50 km might be a little bit much for me on a fatbike
Acceptable. This person “manned up” and admitted he wasn’t man enough to do this ride. This makes him a real man. I think.
I’m having car troubles.
Ride to the trailhead, you pussy. Not acceptable.
I’m going to my cabin – but I’m taking my fatty.
Acceptable. Extra marks if you are taking beer, too. Even more bonus points if I’m invited.
I have a dinner event.
Barf. I would accept “I have a drinking event”, however.
Got a great excuse you’ve heard or maybe used yourself? Care to share? Love to hear it in the comment section below.